Thursday, September 8, 2011

The spare bedroom

Twice a week we share the spare bedroom of your Grandma's house. I sleep in my bed and you sleep in your tiny one next to me. Lots of times you try to climb into my bed in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I let you. Sometimes I just sit there and watch you sleep. Your two year-old body is so long that Grandpa calls you a kangaroo tail. I can't help but feel a little unprepared for your next year of life. Today was the first time you've told me, "Leave me alone Mama." I'm sure that is only my first taste of the stinging words that will come with your childhood. I never fathomed I'd be doing this alone. I have to admit that I'm scared.  

 I remember when you were so new in this world that I really still thought of us as being one person. I don't feel that way any more. Each day you grow farther and farther away from me. You waiver back and forth all day long. Sometimes pouring out endless affection and sometimes throwing punches. You push me away and hide behind your hands, then moments later reach out for the feel of my skin in order to fall asleep. You are still so young my Baby-Love but I can hardly remember life without you.  

I remember being pregnant with you and thinking that I'd never be lonely again. I was so wrong. Now I've learned that being lonely with a child is far worse than anything I'd imagined before. My heart aches for you and for the life I wish I could give you. But some things I just can't provide for you no matter how hard I might try. It has been a very humbling lesson to learn. Your little knees already have their first scars (and I'm afraid that your heart does too). 

And so my ickle Baby-Love I'm holding tight to these days of watching you run through the yard laughing uncontrollably with your cousins. Before you've figured out that I thought we'd have things so much easier. 

- Mama

Sometimes we can choose the paths we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all.” - Neil Gaiman

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