Thursday, August 25, 2011

The slow fade of love

It's my gradual descent
Into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love
-Rilo Kiley

I don't remember when exactly I took it off for good. But it wasn't right away. At first I could only go a day or two without it. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that things were permanently over. It had previously become a permanent fixture on my person. I couldn't imagine not being able to wear it anymore. But at some point I was able to part with it for good. I slipped it into my coin purse and there it rested between my pennies for months. I'd be buying a soda or digging for a dime and there it would be staring back up at me. I hated how much I still thought it was one of the most beautiful and perfect things I'd ever owned. It still represented so many happy memories. It was still easy to remember the moment that it was given to me. 

But over time it began to take on the weight of the world. I worried about losing it,  I worried about keeping it, I worried about giving it away. It had become a constantly present burden that I was literally carrying with me wherever I went. As my life began to grow and change into something that I had some control over, I gained a little strength. I packed up my son, moved to a new city, and began thinking about parting ways with it forever. I practiced driving to the store and selling it. I went inside a few times, got it appraised, and then took it back home. It made me nauseous and a pit in my stomach began to pulse, but it also gave me a small taste of freedom. On my third attempt I finally went through with it. On the drive there I slipped it on my finger knowing that it would be the last time. It made tears stream down my face but I knew that the impending mental freedom would be worth it. As I signed the paperwork I made a silent wish that it would bring it's next owner as much happiness as it had given me. It felt like sending something precious off in a tiny boat out into the dark chopping ocean. Over the next few days I shopped around for something of my own. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for until I saw it. I came across a big grey pearl framed by tiny diamonds and knew that it was meant for me at this point in my life I never meant.  

The Romans saw pearls as frozen tears of the gods. Greeks believed pearls were created when lightening struck the sea
Pearls also symbolize perfection, peace and harmony.

1 comment:

Me said...

I love the ring, I think it is even more beautiful because it looks like you. I am so glad you are writing again. Remember.....Don't eat the dirt!