Thursday, August 25, 2011

The slow fade of love

It's my gradual descent
Into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love
-Rilo Kiley

I don't remember when exactly I took it off for good. But it wasn't right away. At first I could only go a day or two without it. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that things were permanently over. It had previously become a permanent fixture on my person. I couldn't imagine not being able to wear it anymore. But at some point I was able to part with it for good. I slipped it into my coin purse and there it rested between my pennies for months. I'd be buying a soda or digging for a dime and there it would be staring back up at me. I hated how much I still thought it was one of the most beautiful and perfect things I'd ever owned. It still represented so many happy memories. It was still easy to remember the moment that it was given to me. 

But over time it began to take on the weight of the world. I worried about losing it,  I worried about keeping it, I worried about giving it away. It had become a constantly present burden that I was literally carrying with me wherever I went. As my life began to grow and change into something that I had some control over, I gained a little strength. I packed up my son, moved to a new city, and began thinking about parting ways with it forever. I practiced driving to the store and selling it. I went inside a few times, got it appraised, and then took it back home. It made me nauseous and a pit in my stomach began to pulse, but it also gave me a small taste of freedom. On my third attempt I finally went through with it. On the drive there I slipped it on my finger knowing that it would be the last time. It made tears stream down my face but I knew that the impending mental freedom would be worth it. As I signed the paperwork I made a silent wish that it would bring it's next owner as much happiness as it had given me. It felt like sending something precious off in a tiny boat out into the dark chopping ocean. Over the next few days I shopped around for something of my own. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for until I saw it. I came across a big grey pearl framed by tiny diamonds and knew that it was meant for me at this point in my life I never meant.  

The Romans saw pearls as frozen tears of the gods. Greeks believed pearls were created when lightening struck the sea
Pearls also symbolize perfection, peace and harmony.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A boat themed party

Since our life has been a little upside down lately this year's birthday party was thrown together a few days before the big event. It started out as a sailboat theme and slowly morphed into a subtle pirate theme. I had seen most of these ideas from various blogs in the last few months...

I had asked my Dad to build a simple cardboard boat for me. He went a little overboard and made a cardboard/duct tape boat that was capable of floating in the pool (even if floating in in scared the crap out of most of the kids in attendance). I taped on the sail from a big square of fabric.

Pirates love marshmallows. 

I did chocolate cupcakes with mint flavoring added to the frosting. 
I made the sails from paint sample cards and craft sticks. 

Newspaper hats served as a party favor as well as decoration.
I just paper clipped them onto the twine. 

I put up some dotted fabric and we took individual photos of the kids
 with the newspaper hats on. 

I luckily only had time to make two newspaper swords. Which was
probably just enough with the young and wild crowd of cousins we 
had in attendance. 

The kids swam, ate pizza, chased each other around, and finished up right before the rain started. I think it was pretty simple and pretty perfect (not to mention CHEAP).

Monday, August 22, 2011

5, 7, 5

 it's dawn and hailing
I'm soaked yet climb into bed
you say I smell good

insomnia ends
our breathing instantly syncs
Keith's TV blares on

push snooze two more times
the blackness of my eye fades
everything takes time

I sleep until nine
sip cream and coffee with Viv
a fresh week's routine

slow stability
sprouting from the grey ashes
quiet contentment

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Two thirds.

At first it was like a large black shadow following my son and I everywhere we went.
We'd go to the zoo or to the grocery store and there it would remain by our side.
I'd turn down a brightly lit aisle in an attempt to convince myself that it wasn't really there.
Yet, no matter how far I walked, or how much I tried to block it out, it still remained.

It was the black hole of the life we once had.
The third of our life that was no longer there.

It was looming, dark, and heavy and it took everything I had to not break down right there next to the cereal. It made me feel inferior to the shoppers around me walking by with all the parts to their whole.
But as time has gone by and new lights have floated in and out of our lives I notice it less and less.
Some days I don't notice it all all. Some days we are alone at home playing with trucks and talking about big tires and little tires and I feel totally complete.
But there are still moments- many, many, moments when I feel that darkness by my side.
And I push against it as hard as I can and hope it subsides for just a little while.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

at least, for now

On my long meditative drive yesterday some old lyrics seemed to 
take on a new meaning for me. Which inspired a quick painting 
last night. 

Hit the Switch
I'm staring out into that vacuum again
From the back porch of my mind
The only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
And I start attacking my vodka
Stab the ice with my straw
My eyes have turned red as stoplights
You seem ready to walk
You know I'll call you eventually
When I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible

Cause there's this switch that gets hit
And it all stops making sense
And in the middle of drinks
Maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing.

Well I need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west
I've got a friend there she says,
"hey anytime"
Unless that offers expired
I have been less than frequent
She's under no obligation
To indulge every whim
And I'm so ungrateful, I take
She gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it

And each morning she wakes
With a dream to describe
Something lovely that bloomed
In her beautiful mind
I say, "I'll trade you one
For two nightmares of mine,
I have somewhere I die,
I have somewhere we all die"

I'm thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I've said that a couple of times
And I'm always changing my mind
Well I guess I am
But there's this burn in my stomach
And there's this pain in my side
And when I kneel at the toilet
And the morning's clean light
Pours in through the window
Sometimes I pray I don't die
I'm a goddamn hypocrite

But then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
There is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live
And so I do what I do, and at least I exist
What could mean more than this?
What would mean more, mean more?

- Bright Eyes