Pages

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

a soggy jumbled mess


The new course is set. My stars have been realigned. 
I'm seeking a new location, a new job, a new identity.
I need to build up every piece of myself. Inside and out.
 But have no tangible evidence that anything is going to change.
I'm panicked by the thought of being embedded in this residence until Fall. 
The cocoon of my old life hanging around me, everything a horrible reminder.
I fear that I have seven years of lost time to make up for.
I'm tired of only being inspired by the darkness. 
I need to relearn how to sleep soundly. 

The baby is starting to show signs of an unbalanced life. 
He is paranoid that I'm leaving him...
 always checking to make sure I follow where he walks. 
I'm guilty of being heavily distracted since he was four months old.
 And now it is catching up to us. 
I can't ever allow myself to take him for granted. 
I keep waiting for a reprieve. For a calm moment in time to focus on him fully again. 
But I now realize, there isn't one coming. 
So I've got to figure this out (because he is only growing 
more ornery and I'm only growing more weary).

***

As a kid I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to live
 at the bottom of the deep end of the pool. I'd lay there on my belly with my hair
 floating up into a sopping beehive and stare upwards. 
I'd become transfixed by the diamonds of sunlight bouncing off of the edges of the
flaking white cement. Muffled dripping sounds of friends
 shouting and diving boards bouncing would create the perfect
 symphony of reverberated white noise. 

There at the bottom
twelve feet under
 enveloped by the pressure
I had never felt more relaxed, safe, or invincible.


I once again wish I could live at the deep end of the pool. 
It would be so much easier then walking away from everything I know and crossing my fingers that things will be better. 


image source: here 

1 comment:

Mama Kayla said...

We have similar feelings and thoughts. I have really enjoyed reading this.

Walking away is never easy, but perhaps it's something we all experience.

Again, great post! :-)