Thursday, April 28, 2011

This is the end.

"They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone.
One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk,
'Cause you will always get hit
Out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.

Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.

(This is the end.)
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the risen.)
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,
(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
This is the end."

-Brand New

4:45 p.m. receive call from the bailiff with news of our divorce hearing date scheduled in 18 days      (that's only a little more then TWO weeks away..... ) 
4:47 momentary joy, relief, envisioning of closure
5:00 panic, numbness
5:15 dread
5:25 realization that this really is the end, this is final, this is really happening
5:30 sit in book store parking lot, call best friend, cry, question everything in the past two years, laugh a little, entertain the idea of taking it all back and giving one last ditch effort (again), decide against it 
6:00 buy a new book of poems
6:17 get dinner to-go
6:30 buy diapers, Red Bull, vodka 
6:50 buy a new canvas
7:00 eat alone at the coffee table, drink, paint, cry, watch a sappy movie 
8:30 talk on the phone, cry some more, try not to sound like a lunatic
9:00 - 1:23 a.m. paint, text, cry, sit on the floor, attempt to protect self from further heartbreak 
1:24 a.m. lay in bed, read poems, text 
3:00 a.m. Skype, giggle uncontrollably, talk, try to sleep
4:00 a.m. Skype, try to sleep, end up talking some more, try to sleep, giggle 
4:15 a.m. finally fall asleep
6:45 a.m. wake up, get dressed, feel unusually refreshed and at peace

I can do this. 


Anonymous said...

yes, you can do this. You are amazing and so full of beauty and soul, I love it so much. You make everything beautiful with just your perspective. Love you :)

Janine said...

The painting is beautiful Carly. I like how you took pictures of it sporadically, during it's stages.

I too can't believe this is happening. It's just so odd. I dunno, life is strange and unpredictable. But I am glad you are moving forward-and having giggle fits late at night.

I know I say this all the time but every entry you write is so bold, I can feel my emotions grow stronger with each words I read. You truly are an amazing blogger and friend. I wish I was there for you more as you go through this.


Becca said...

My heart is both aching for you and feeling that flutter of anticipation that comprises the word hope. You can do hard things. *love*

Jillian said...

this painting is wonderful.
so good.