Friday, March 11, 2011

Anxiety: 'to vex or trouble'

Anxiety is that feeling that slowly creeps up your hairline stemming from the back of your neck and spills it's warm red fluid into your cheekbones. It sends a chill deep through your chest one rib at a time and leaves your mind hollow. It makes your hands tremble slightly and causes your stomach to grip itself in defense of what's to come. Anxiety causes your heartbeat to become erratic and you begin to panic.

Anxiety and I have become inseparable pals these days.

It hits me when I imagine the other half of my soul off in this world doing things that I'm not aware of. It keeps me awake at night when I still can't force myself to sleep on your side of the bed. It hits me when I think about not ever having that moment again...The one that happens when I look up from doing the dishes and catch you watching me from across the room. It sickens me when I think about the times you faked how content you were with our life. It hits me when I realize that I don't remember our last kiss, or even the last time our body heat was on one another's radar. It fills me up and threatens to choke the life out of me when I think about all of the times I saw the next sixty years of my life reflected in your eyes. But most of all, it hits me when I imagine anyone else ever treating me like this again.


"If I could I would tie your arms to a daydream and
 then auction you off to my fondest memories."   

- Rudy Francisco
 author of the best break-up poem ever 


Krista said...

My dearest Carly--this post is so raw, but also completely real and understandable. I can feel your pain in this post, and pray that it is short-lived and that you find peace with your new life soon. As I read this I could only imagine how lucky he was to have you, and how miserable his next 60 years will definitely be without your passion, intelligence and creativity! Love you, girl!

Anonymous said...

Carly, you are not just a great blogger, you're an amazing writer. I feel like even if I didn't know you, your writing is so pure and deep, that it will affect me so deeply. Your words affect me. I am sorry you're going through this. But keep writing it. This too helps me in understanding feelings. I know these things take time, healing, but I know you will. Because you are good, you are resilient, and by golly, you fucking deserve to be happy. My thoughts are with you. Sending good vibes your way, as always.