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Monday, March 28, 2011

Goldfish



"That's the problem 
No Sense of time
She changes like an hour glass
Just laying on her side

That's the problem
An empty sky 
I fill it up with everything
That's missing from my life"

-CO




(Klimt had one way of telling his critics what he thought of them...)

Monday, March 21, 2011

For my Dziadzia



I stood in my closet frozen in place. What do you wear when you are asked to say goodbye to someone for the last time?  I knew that in my mind that it would forever be "that" shirt that I said goodbye to Grandpa in. I, for some reason, have a knack for remembering entire outfit sequences that are tied to traumatic events. I decided on my soft grey hoodie with the torn kangaroo pocket. When I arrived at the nursing home he was still very aware of all of us. He turned his head, looked at me with his ocean blue eyes, and mumbled, "Hi Carly." Between his own nine children and the swarm of grandchildren present he still knew us each by name. I spent the evening watching my grandmother and aunts touch him, hold his hand, wipe his mouth. Things that I was afraid to do. They seemed so unaffected by the gasps and grimaces that the pain of death was bringing to his body. My grandmother sat next to him and calmly made conversation like she always does. As much as I'm facing a life alone I can't help but wonder how she will do it. How do you go home to a bed you've shared with someone for over sixty years? As time passed he grew more and more uncomfortable. Even through his pain he would make the sign of the cross, talking to his God, knowing that soon they would meet face to face. When it came time for me to return home to my sick baby I kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him. It really felt just like the millions of times I'd said it before. But somewhere in the back of my mind I was keenly aware that this would be the last time. As I collected Lex from my parent's house I couldn't help but notice the candles that my Dad had lit on the stove. I closed my eyes and wished that they offered me some of the hope and encouragement that they once did. Belief in a higher power, hope that life isn't just about making it through each day, anything... But instead I just felt the empty twinge of bitterness that has taken the place in my heart where my faith used to live, and drove home to my own empty bed.

"Do widzenia," -  Carly



Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Now you know


The Demise of a Yellowbird, mixed media on wood

I guess I've always been in love with the idea of being in love. Of having that insane connection with another person. I really thought I had it there for a long while. I think even the people closest to us were fooled. My hope is that someday I'll be someone's yellowbird again (isn't that what we all want?). But for now it feels like I'm free-falling towards Earth just letting my body go limp. 

Urban Dictionary sums it up pretty well:
yellowbird
1. A person's true love; the one person they are both externally and internally, both consciously and subconsciously attached to with the realization that those feelings will never die; the one person that they know they can't live without.

If they find this person, they are the luckiest in the world. If not, they are eternally screwed.
"I never thought this life was possible, you're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for." - Conor Oberst

2. .The warm yellow light, the happiness, between two people in love. 

3. A common reference in Bright Eyes songs based off of a song by the folk artist Simon Joyner. This song speaks about how when you have this connection with your yellow bird your actions hurt them even when you aren't together.
"Did you forget that yellow bird?
 How could you forget your yellow bird? 
She took a small silver wreath and pinned it on to me
She said, "This one will bring you love" 
And I don't know if it's true

But I keep it for good luck." - Conor Oberst 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Anxiety: 'to vex or trouble'


Anxiety is that feeling that slowly creeps up your hairline stemming from the back of your neck and spills it's warm red fluid into your cheekbones. It sends a chill deep through your chest one rib at a time and leaves your mind hollow. It makes your hands tremble slightly and causes your stomach to grip itself in defense of what's to come. Anxiety causes your heartbeat to become erratic and you begin to panic.

Anxiety and I have become inseparable pals these days.

It hits me when I imagine the other half of my soul off in this world doing things that I'm not aware of. It keeps me awake at night when I still can't force myself to sleep on your side of the bed. It hits me when I think about not ever having that moment again...The one that happens when I look up from doing the dishes and catch you watching me from across the room. It sickens me when I think about the times you faked how content you were with our life. It hits me when I realize that I don't remember our last kiss, or even the last time our body heat was on one another's radar. It fills me up and threatens to choke the life out of me when I think about all of the times I saw the next sixty years of my life reflected in your eyes. But most of all, it hits me when I imagine anyone else ever treating me like this again.

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"If I could I would tie your arms to a daydream and
 then auction you off to my fondest memories."   

- Rudy Francisco
 author of the best break-up poem ever 

Friday, March 4, 2011


Iron and Wine | Tree by the river | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.



I feel like I've aged thirty years in the last week alone. I gain an ounce of faith back and then have it snatched out of my hands before I've even come to terms with it. I knew I'd have to face some of these inevitable new facts about my new life. But I didn't expect them to all be thrown at me at once. Having an empty house while my son is "at his dad's," being introduced to new girlfriends, facing a dying grandfather, gossip, rumors, old lies surfacing. Right now I'm just really struggling with the fact that I played by the rules my entire life. I took all the right steps to ensure that I would get a certain type of outcome. I resisted temptation, sacrificed, and gave of myself until there was nothing left. So how did I end up here?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Things I've figured out



It is possible to have a thousand thoughts running through your mind yet not possess the ability to make a single one of them fall out onto a canvas or a sheet of paper. It is easier to know he isn't coming home than to wait and worry all night. It is possible to have a best friend for seven years and then just stop talking to him cold turkey. Longterm life situations can blind you to the fact that you are compromising your identity. Strangers can build you up with their compliments faster than your closest friends. It is possible to be fully aware of your own failing mental health (yet be unable to do anything to stop it). A quiet period of total cleansing is necessary. Over the course of a year it is possible to grieve and set free every dream and expectation you had for your life. The people who are closest to you may be the least skilled in supporting you. Having a decision made is far better than living in limbo. You can only hold your breath for so long until you are left gasping for air. Hitting bottom can be a relief because then you know the worst is over.