Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Let him go, Bluebird

Peaks and Valleys: Life is full of them

(This may make me sound like total nutso.) I've had a reoccurring image haunting me for quite a few years now. It was always more of a strange quirky thought then a real cause for concern. When I see the image it is a simple old-fashioned tombstone with green grass around the edges. The strange thing about the tombstone is that the birth month and day are the same as the death month and day. Only the years are different. Even though the image pops into my mind while I'm awake I can never quite understand the dates, although somehow I know that they are similar. In the past few years I've thought that maybe this premonition meant that I was destined to die on my birthday. That was as much sense as I could make out of the whole thing. I had even mentioned it to a few friends. It wasn't a fear great enough to make me stay locked-up safely at home on my last few birthdays. It always remained just a creepy thought it the back of my head.

Then this week the symbolism hit me. Our first date to the day it all ended were exactly seven years apart.

January 15, 2004 - January 15, 2011
RIP: my marriage

And that is exactly where I am right now. I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the dreams I had, I'm mourning the friendship that I've lost, I'm mourning the life that I thought I had in front of me. And although I can feel something amazing inside of me right now, promising a better future, whatever that might mean...It still hurts.  

The only thing that really seems to help me right now is music. A friend sent me this perfect song today. 



Eva said...

Music can be so healing during hard times. Thank you for posting so honestly

RaT Babies said...

Love you Carly xx

Kim said...

carly, you write so beautifully. i am sad for you...but i hope soon the haze will lift & you will be excited for the new opportunities that lay ahead.